Tonight was the wedding reception of an old friend. He is 29, soon to be 30, and hasworked very hard at becoming who he felt a good husband should be. He has lived his life in pursuit of what he feels is Gods will for him. And I was so happy for him this day. He was excited beyond the bounds of the earth. She seemed nervous. Happy, but nervous. :)
I don't remember how the gym was dressed. I am sure the place was decorated, but all I remember was how happy my friend was. And I am so happy for him.
I saw another couple old friends, with their spouses. It was a good night for catching up with the old singles ward crew.
At the same time, I wonder. Where am I steering wrong? I am trying not to sound like I am feeling sorry for myself. Really, that is the last thing I need or want, but I think there comes a time when one has to ask this question.
Its not that I am alone. I don't think I am one of those people that can't be alone. My concern lays in the fact that I have always been alone. I've had one sigificant relationship in my life, which was doomed to fail before it began. But since, I haven't dated at all. I've not been asked in 8 years.
I am tired of this alone-ness. I am tired of putting on a brave face for friends and the casual aquaintances I have. I have such a capacity for love. There is so much inside me to overflowing. I know I would be a great spouse and mother. I KNOW these things so fiercly inside that the fear of never putting it to the test scares the hell out of me.
I've tried to be who I though others were interested in. And beleive me, I've been myself. I just don't know what I am doing wrong. Because obviously, I am switching it up somewhere.
I apologize for this bit of neediness. Tomorrow I will be brave again