Thursday, April 6

Bittersweet

Tonight was the wedding reception of an old friend. He is 29, soon to be 30, and hasworked very hard at becoming who he felt a good husband should be. He has lived his life in pursuit of what he feels is Gods will for him. And I was so happy for him this day. He was excited beyond the bounds of the earth. She seemed nervous. Happy, but nervous. :)
I don't remember how the gym was dressed. I am sure the place was decorated, but all I remember was how happy my friend was. And I am so happy for him.


I saw another couple old friends, with their spouses. It was a good night for catching up with the old singles ward crew.

At the same time, I wonder. Where am I steering wrong? I am trying not to sound like I am feeling sorry for myself. Really, that is the last thing I need or want, but I think there comes a time when one has to ask this question.

Its not that I am alone. I don't think I am one of those people that can't be alone. My concern lays in the fact that I have always been alone. I've had one sigificant relationship in my life, which was doomed to fail before it began. But since, I haven't dated at all. I've not been asked in 8 years.

I am tired of this alone-ness. I am tired of putting on a brave face for friends and the casual aquaintances I have. I have such a capacity for love. There is so much inside me to overflowing. I know I would be a great spouse and mother. I KNOW these things so fiercly inside that the fear of never putting it to the test scares the hell out of me.

I've tried to be who I though others were interested in. And beleive me, I've been myself. I just don't know what I am doing wrong. Because obviously, I am switching it up somewhere.

I apologize for this bit of neediness. Tomorrow I will be brave again

3 comments:

Erika said...

Clearly you are surrounding yourself with complete dumbasses. Yep, that's what your doing wrong.

Little Miss said...

you're not switching it up anywhere. you KNOW the Lord is mindful of you, and that your life does indeed have a plan.

Remind yourself of the serenity prayer. It helps me many times when I'm feeling lost.

and fyi, in case you haven't noticed, you do live in Utah...land of the married at 18 with four kids by the age of 25!!

Becky said...

Damn Utah...dammit-to-hell then...

lol