Thursday, September 11

be still

I have a confession to make. I want to get a new tattoo. I've wanted one for awhile. The problem I have though, is I don't know what I want. I've decided that until I am absolutely sure, it's not going to happen. The first two are a testament to that. Haha!

This one has to be words. I love words. Words move and breathe. They can make your heart race, and they can make it slow down just enough to keep you from freaking out completely.

That's really what I am looking for. That one magic phrase that will shield me from breaking. The reminder that "this too shall pass" I've looked and looked, but nothing so far is ringing true.

I think the real problem is there isn't one really. I would have to write a million phrases. Because the magic words change from circumstance to circumstance. One day it would just be the word "breathe". Another it would be "get off your ass".

Sunday was regional conference for me. The last speaker made a great point for me. It has been going through my head all week. If we put God first in our lives, we will no longer need to make plans. It will not matter if we are married or single. It will not matter what career we have or how much money we make. If God is first in our lives, we will be content with what is.

I have this horrible need to make plans. It's a bit obsessive really. "God helps them who helps themselves," right?

So, for now, I need to give up the idea that painting a word on my foot or hand will fortify my heart from breaking, or keep me from making mistakes. :)

Nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted...

Sunday, September 22

Stop being my own worst critic?

In the Disney cartoon Ratatouille; particularly the end where the critic writes his review there is a significant lesson to be learned.
“In many ways, the work of a critic is easy. We risk very little, yet enjoy a position over those who offer up their work and their selves to our judgment. We thrive on negative criticism, which is fun to write and to read. But the bitter truth we critics must face, is that in the grand scheme of things, the average piece of junk is probably more meaningful than our criticism designating it so.”
I need to read Moroni Chapter 10. Not just the promise, but the rest of the chapter as well. Perfection only comes through Grace. I cannot be perfect in myself, but only in Christ. There is significant wording toward the end where it talks about how to become sanctified (made holy).
I was thinking about it in terms of a super hero. Batman had Robin. Robin wasn’t anything really to write home about, until he became the partner of Batman right? And if Batman, left the picture, Robin would cease to be as significant because he wouldn’t be able to accomplish the same things as he did when he partnered with Batman. I know I am a nerd, but I’ve been dealing with Comic Con stuff lately and it came to mind. Anyway, unless we allow ourselves to be partnered by the Savior, we cannot accomplish those things that are set before us.
Jesus Christ accepted the plan. He volunteered to pay for my sins. He gave no stipulations to that offering. Why is it, I believe in the Atonement, up until it includes me? I can see clearly, that it applies to the sins of others. Why not me? This is the line of thinking I need to purge from my brain.
Also, read about Mary Magdalene-how did the savior react? What did he say to her?
The point being, even the Pharisees and Sadducees didn’t have the ability to “cast the first stone’” because they recognized the sinners in themselves. And when the Savior asked Mary, “Where are thine accusers?” His comments are significant to me as well.
So, I guess I am too hard on myself. I don’t see how I can be… I know better than to make the mistakes that I make, and yet I make them anyway, right?. Anyway, my bishop counseled me to stop thinking about the things I do wrong, and see more of the things I do right. I don’t need to criticize myself. There is no purpose in doing so, except that it fuels the adversary’s goal in discouraging me on my path of progression.
It all seems a bit overwhelming right now. The bishop told me to only look for answers to the question. “what do I need to know, in order to get through today”
So, I think that will be where I start. That and clean my room.

Saturday, June 8

The Inside of Me

I was driving home from the gym this morning and thought it a good day to pick this up again. It has been a year of trauma for my family, and, though I would love to forget most of it, I would hate to forget what I've learned from it.
I am not saying I will be the best at posting, but I think I will just have to see how it goes.

As so much time has passed since I've last written anything I actually want to say, it's kind of hard to know where to start.

The end of 2011 I was talking to my mom one night and she quietly told me that I needed to go back to church. I had known this for some time, and had made all sorts of excuses as to why it would have to wait. But I knew she was right. So I did. Between her and my lovely neighbor Audrey quietly directing me in the right way, I just started going. It was terrifying! I was going alone. To a family ward, with lots and lots of noisy kids.
I remember going home afterwards and crying in frustration that I hadn't felt anything inside me change. All I could hear were the screaming, playing, arguing, banging, kicking, kids. Not to mention their parents. It was so hard to continue going. I knew, at the time that they deserved to go to church as much as I, but I so desperately wanted to feel something inside me change. I guess I was looking for some miraculous metamorphosis. Suddenly this flawed and sinning girl, would turn white inside, and she would remember all that she had known so confidently before that the life she had chosen to live had snuffed out.

But, I kept going. I will admit to missing a few times. My husband at the time started going, albeit grudgingly. I started recognizing names and faces and the members of the ward became familiar. I noticed the noise less and less.

In May of last year, my Mom was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. We all lived in a bit of a fog for awhile. There was a lot of fear, and a lot of denial. She had surgery in June and they were able to remove the tumor, but had to take all of the lymph nodes on the right side of her arm. It was a hard time for her. It was a hard time for all of us. I would write more of it, but it's not my story to tell really. I can say, that faith can be an ongoing struggle. And the beauty of it is, we are all at different levels of our strength so that we can help each other through the weaker times.

I moved into with my parents in August of last year. My marriage ended in a pretty messy way. It was difficult, but not so difficult at the same time. I think, having the distraction of my Mom's health, in some ways, helped me skate through some of the hard points. But I have to give most of the credit to Heavenly Father.

I remember times, at night, where I would start to panic. My breathing would increase, the tears would fall and I would think I was falling apart. And then it would disappear. I was once again capable of juggling the issues of my divorce, my home, my parents and siblings hardships. I've learned since then, that it was Grace in action. The enabling power of the Atonement to overcome all things.

There is a scripture that kept coming to mind. One of my favorites actually. 2 Nephi 4:19. Not the whole verse, just the end. "...nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted."

The inside of me is still flawed, and there is much that I still have to learn and do in order to find a fraction of that which I so casually left behind when it comes to my testimony. But I know in whom I have trusted. My God that been my support. I know that no matter what life throws at me, I can handle it. There may be tears, and heartache. But through the Grace of God, I am capable of dealing with it all.

Above all, I know that Heavenly Father loves me. That I am important to him. That in itself is miraculous! I am such a lucky girl to have all of this so readily available to me! The knowledge, the scriptures, the Temple. I can accomplish anything if I can focus this stubborn heart of mine on the right things.

I do not know who in this vast audience today may need to hear the message of forgiveness inherent in this parable, but however late you think you are, however many chances you think you have missed, however many mistakes you feel you have made or talents you think you don’t have, or however far from home and family and God you feel you have traveled, I testify that you have not traveled beyond the reach of divine love. It is not possible for you to sink lower than the infinite light of Christ’s Atonement shines.

Whether you are not yet of our faith or were with us once and have not remained, there is nothing in either case that you have done that cannot be undone. There is no problem which you cannot overcome. There is no dream that in the unfolding of time and eternity cannot yet be realized. Even if you feel you are the lost and last laborer of the eleventh hour, the Lord of the vineyard still stands beckoning. “Come boldly [to] the throne of grace,” and fall at the feet of the Holy One of Israel. Come and feast “without money and without price” at the table of the Lord.

Tuesday, December 23

Lynn who?

I just had to post this. Not sure if anyone reads this anymore since...well...I don't write! Hah hah!

I got a phone call tonight from someone very friendly. I answered, he said "Becky! This is Lynn! How are you doing? I haven't talked to you in forever! How are you doing?

What could I do? I wracked my brain, trying to remember someone named Lynn.. He asked me how I was doing, how the kids were everyone at work was doing.

Oddest conversation ever. He mentioned that he was in Colorado and lovin life. Was getting ready to get married and everything was fantastic. He felt bad, cuz we hadn't talked in about a year.

Lynn...Lynn...who the hell is Lynn? I felt bad about this time, as I had been following the conversation as if I KNEW this person. And honestly, I wasn't sure if I didn't. I am terrible.

So, after the awkward silences between his questions and my one word answers, he made plans to stop by on his vacation to Salt Lake...on or around January 3rd. Told me to tell Dennis (Dennis?!) hello, and signed off.

So, apparently, someone named Lynn from Colorado, is thinking he talked to a Becky he knows...and is going to show up somewhere in Utah to see the family. What a surprise for Becky and Dennis!

Wednesday, October 1

Ode to the Smell of Wood by Pablo Neruda

translated by Jodey Bateman

Late, with the stars
open in the cold
I open the door.
The sea
in the night.

Like a hand
from the dark house
came the intense
of firewood in the pile.

The aroma was visible
if the tree
were alive.
As if it still breathed.

like a garment.

like a broken branch.

I walked
the house
by that balsam-flavored
the points
in the sky sparkled
like magnetic stones
and the smell of the wood

my heart
like some fingers,
like jasmine,
like certain memories.

It wasn't the sharp smell
of the pines,
it wasn't
the break in the skin
of the eucalyptus,
neither was it
the green perfumes
of the grapevine stalk,
something more secret,
because that fragrance
only one
only one
time existed,
and there, of all I have seen in the world
in my own house at night, next to the winter sea,
was waiting for me
the smell
of the deepest rose,
the heart cut from the earth,
something that invaded me like a wave
breaking loose
from time
and it lost itself in me
when I opened the door
of the night.

Friday, January 18

La Dee Dah Girl

About a week ago, a gal I work with handed over a $100 gift certificate to a Day Spa she had won in a drawing awhile ago. She explained that the expiration date was looming and that her schedule just didn’t allow her to take advantage of the money.

What a wonderful gift! I haven’t had a quality haircut in quite some time and hadn’t had my hair colored by someone other than myself in about 5 years. I set up the appointment that same day. The price menu from this spa listed the haircuts at $34 &up and a full color weave at $64. Me, having very short and fine hair (ya gotta love being a natural blonde!) I have never been charged more than the minimum for a haircut, so naturally I assumed that my cut would be the minimum $34, thus totaling out my evening of being pampered at $98.00. Because I had no preference to my stylist, I was assigned to a gal named Shauna.

When I arrived for my appointment, Shauna was more attentive than I have yet experienced. Mind you, I have no qualms with going to Supercuts or GreatClips, but the usual response I get when patronizing these establishments is a cursory glance at a photo, and off they go with scissors in hand. Shauna, on the other hand, figuratively held my hand through the entire evening by making sure I had every choice and option available to me. She definitely made sure we were on the same page before proceeding with the services.

We chatted throughout the procedures, and it was great. I joked about my past haircuts at discount salons and talked about where I lived, where I worked etc. painting her a picture of being a middle income person who was splurging at a high end salon due to my good fortune in getting a gift card. Never, in the 3 and a half hours did I ever indicate that posh spa’s were anywhere near the norm for me.

I have a phenomenal haircut and color. Its easy to style, as she gave me tips and tricks to create different looks. I set up a return appointment, thinking that I could alternate the cut and color so as not to drop $100. Being free, it was okay to pay that much right? But I figured that I could save up…Shauna was that great.

To my surprise, when I went to pay out, as I was pulling out a extremely generous tip, the receptionist totaled my bill out to $145!!!!!!! I was confused and explained what I had ordered and what I had expected to pay. It turns out that I was given a stylist who was a “level 2” stylist with their salon and therefore it increased both services by $10 automatically. Not to mention, that throughout or consultation she had offered to either do a full weave to cover my roots, or just do a root touch up on the hair not being colored.. I told her to do what was easier. Little did I know that it was an extra $27!!! Had I taken the more difficult road, it wouldn’t have been any additional charges.

I was so ticked off! I felt completely taken advantage of. I quickly put my generous tip back in my wallet and requested my return appointment be cancelled. Who in their right mind would pay $145 for something that will grow out or fade away within 6 weeks?! Never in my life, would I or could I be that frivolous. Even my worst haircuts have grown out to be replaced by other cuts…

At any rate, I look great for now, and it feels pretty decadent (if not a bit wasteful) to be walking around with $145 worth of skill in my hair. Yeah, I paid out of pocket $45, which some would say is a phenomenal deal for this level of artistry I carry around on my shoulders (wink, wink) But alas, it will be forgotten in 3 months and no one will be the wiser for my naivete in trying to pretend to be the posh girl, going to a spa…

Friday, April 27

found this quote on another blog...

One day you will ask me which is more important? My life or yours? I will say mine and you will walk away not knowing that you are my life.

Kahlil Gibran

Monday, April 16

The Future's so bright I gotta wear shades...

Things are looking up. I just moved into a new place. It rocks. Well, okay, its my brother's place. But with five adorable little girls and a sister-in-law who is awesome, things are fantastic. So yeah, family, love, future plans....everything is looking great.

Tuesday, January 30

Duck soup anyone?

I drove my car into the oncoming path of a malard this morning. Shattered the passenger side of my windshield. While still intact, I fear using my wipers, it cracked so badly.

It scared me so bad, I blanked out about 15 minutes of my drive into work. I dont remember getting onto the freeway at all...

After making sure I was okay, the man said, "You should get AFLAC."

ha ha..chortle chortle...

I've never hit an animal before.. :( people? yeah, all the time, but cute little ducks? never....

Sunday, December 10