As Christmas has passed, and the decorations put away, I have decided to put a little more effort into writing. These last 2 years have been fairly void of news, and I miss having something I can read to remind me of fun thoughts and events.
This Christmas was great. Shane decided to get started on shopping back in October, so we went a bit crazy on the kids. You know you've done well, when the kids all exclaim, "We got a lot of presents this year! Its my favorite Christmas ever!"
Whoo hoo! score for the wicked step-mother!
After waiting all morning for the kids to arrive in Salt Lake about 3pm, we rushed to Shane's Mothers house and visted with her for about an hour, scrambled back to our apartment where the present opening frenzy began.
Afterwards, we drove to Grantsville to spend time with my family. All in all, it was a phenomenal day. Everyone ended up happy and content.
I will have to write more later on some of the fun that took place, but as I am at work, I have to so a little something before they hopefully let me go home early.
Cheers all!
Wednesday, December 31
Tuesday, December 23
Lynn who?
I just had to post this. Not sure if anyone reads this anymore since...well...I don't write! Hah hah!
I got a phone call tonight from someone very friendly. I answered, he said "Becky! This is Lynn! How are you doing? I haven't talked to you in forever! How are you doing?
What could I do? I wracked my brain, trying to remember someone named Lynn.. He asked me how I was doing, how the kids were doing...how everyone at work was doing.
Oddest conversation ever. He mentioned that he was in Colorado and lovin life. Was getting ready to get married and everything was fantastic. He felt bad, cuz we hadn't talked in about a year.
Lynn...Lynn...who the hell is Lynn? I felt bad about this time, as I had been following the conversation as if I KNEW this person. And honestly, I wasn't sure if I didn't. I am terrible.
So, after the awkward silences between his questions and my one word answers, he made plans to stop by on his vacation to Salt Lake...on or around January 3rd. Told me to tell Dennis (Dennis?!) hello, and signed off.
So, apparently, someone named Lynn from Colorado, is thinking he talked to a Becky he knows...and is going to show up somewhere in Utah to see the family. What a surprise for Becky and Dennis!
I got a phone call tonight from someone very friendly. I answered, he said "Becky! This is Lynn! How are you doing? I haven't talked to you in forever! How are you doing?
What could I do? I wracked my brain, trying to remember someone named Lynn.. He asked me how I was doing, how the kids were doing...how everyone at work was doing.
Oddest conversation ever. He mentioned that he was in Colorado and lovin life. Was getting ready to get married and everything was fantastic. He felt bad, cuz we hadn't talked in about a year.
Lynn...Lynn...who the hell is Lynn? I felt bad about this time, as I had been following the conversation as if I KNEW this person. And honestly, I wasn't sure if I didn't. I am terrible.
So, after the awkward silences between his questions and my one word answers, he made plans to stop by on his vacation to Salt Lake...on or around January 3rd. Told me to tell Dennis (Dennis?!) hello, and signed off.
So, apparently, someone named Lynn from Colorado, is thinking he talked to a Becky he knows...and is going to show up somewhere in Utah to see the family. What a surprise for Becky and Dennis!
Tuesday, October 7
Tonights Debate
I have only one issue.
I KNOW how much money I make. I KNOW how much money I can spend on my rent/mortgage. I was pre-approved for well more than I KNEW I could afford to pay each month if I chose to buy a house.
Because I KNOW that I couldn't afford the payments if I bought a home for the amount I was approved for, I opted to rent for a bit longer.
Joe Shmoe knew he couldn't afford his new shiny quarter-million dollar home, but since the bank or the mortgage company pre-approved his loan, he bought the damn thing anyway, and not surprisingly, foreclosed on it.
Is it my fault he was greedy? Is it my fault he couldn't afford his mortgage; the one he signed in agreement to pay????
Why the hell should I vote for a guy who says. "Hey, I know you can't afford your mortgage, I will take tax payers money, pay off what you KNEW you couldn't afford, and let you keep the house you fraudulently bought."
WTF?!
What happens to the Americans who are honest? Who opt to rent until they could take care of things so that they were in a better position to buy a house they could keep? We pay the taxes. We pay, out of our retirement plans, and 401k's. We pay by getting a 3% raise (if we are damn lucky) in an economy where the cost of living is increaseing at a 5 or 10% rate.
And Joe Schmoe gets a house he couldn't afford. Hell, I want a house I can't afford, but I am not going to sell my soul to get it.
But apparently, its the only way to stay afloat in this country.
Claim bankruptcy. Load up the credit cards. Slide out of paying bills. Hell, even if I signed the credit card slip at the grocery store...I can find a way to get out of paying the bill when it comes due. These people are why we are in an economic crisis! When you are honest in your dealings with your fellow man, you are paying the way for those who are not. No applause...no pat on the back... no tax credit for you, because our country is too busy bailing out those who are dishonest.
I KNOW how much money I make. I KNOW how much money I can spend on my rent/mortgage. I was pre-approved for well more than I KNEW I could afford to pay each month if I chose to buy a house.
Because I KNOW that I couldn't afford the payments if I bought a home for the amount I was approved for, I opted to rent for a bit longer.
Joe Shmoe knew he couldn't afford his new shiny quarter-million dollar home, but since the bank or the mortgage company pre-approved his loan, he bought the damn thing anyway, and not surprisingly, foreclosed on it.
Is it my fault he was greedy? Is it my fault he couldn't afford his mortgage; the one he signed in agreement to pay????
Why the hell should I vote for a guy who says. "Hey, I know you can't afford your mortgage, I will take tax payers money, pay off what you KNEW you couldn't afford, and let you keep the house you fraudulently bought."
WTF?!
What happens to the Americans who are honest? Who opt to rent until they could take care of things so that they were in a better position to buy a house they could keep? We pay the taxes. We pay, out of our retirement plans, and 401k's. We pay by getting a 3% raise (if we are damn lucky) in an economy where the cost of living is increaseing at a 5 or 10% rate.
And Joe Schmoe gets a house he couldn't afford. Hell, I want a house I can't afford, but I am not going to sell my soul to get it.
But apparently, its the only way to stay afloat in this country.
Claim bankruptcy. Load up the credit cards. Slide out of paying bills. Hell, even if I signed the credit card slip at the grocery store...I can find a way to get out of paying the bill when it comes due. These people are why we are in an economic crisis! When you are honest in your dealings with your fellow man, you are paying the way for those who are not. No applause...no pat on the back... no tax credit for you, because our country is too busy bailing out those who are dishonest.
Wednesday, October 1
Ode to the Smell of Wood by Pablo Neruda
translated by Jodey Bateman
Late, with the stars
open in the cold
I open the door.
The sea
galloped
in the night.
Like a hand
from the dark house
came the intense
aroma
of firewood in the pile.
The aroma was visible
as
if the tree
were alive.
As if it still breathed.
Visible
like a garment.
Visible
like a broken branch.
I walked
into
the house
surrounded
by that balsam-flavored
darkenss.
Outside
the points
in the sky sparkled
like magnetic stones
and the smell of the wood
touched
my heart
like some fingers,
like jasmine,
like certain memories.
It wasn't the sharp smell
of the pines,
no,
it wasn't
the break in the skin
of the eucalyptus,
neither was it
the green perfumes
of the grapevine stalk,
but
something more secret,
because that fragrance
only one
only one
time existed,
and there, of all I have seen in the world
in my own house at night, next to the winter sea,
was waiting for me
the smell
of the deepest rose,
the heart cut from the earth,
something that invaded me like a wave
breaking loose
from time
and it lost itself in me
when I opened the door
of the night.
Late, with the stars
open in the cold
I open the door.
The sea
galloped
in the night.
Like a hand
from the dark house
came the intense
aroma
of firewood in the pile.
The aroma was visible
as
if the tree
were alive.
As if it still breathed.
Visible
like a garment.
Visible
like a broken branch.
I walked
into
the house
surrounded
by that balsam-flavored
darkenss.
Outside
the points
in the sky sparkled
like magnetic stones
and the smell of the wood
touched
my heart
like some fingers,
like jasmine,
like certain memories.
It wasn't the sharp smell
of the pines,
no,
it wasn't
the break in the skin
of the eucalyptus,
neither was it
the green perfumes
of the grapevine stalk,
but
something more secret,
because that fragrance
only one
only one
time existed,
and there, of all I have seen in the world
in my own house at night, next to the winter sea,
was waiting for me
the smell
of the deepest rose,
the heart cut from the earth,
something that invaded me like a wave
breaking loose
from time
and it lost itself in me
when I opened the door
of the night.
Tuesday, September 9
update
The summer days are almost gone! I can't believe how quickly these past few months have sped by.
Not too many thing have changed these days. My niece was baptized on Saturday, as was Shane's daughter. At my nieces baptism, her little sister ran up to me when I got to the church. I asked her if she was happy for Haven, and her response was, "I'm gonna cry I am so happy for Haven's baptism." She is 4.
We had a family reunion with all of my Dad's family. This annual reunion gets harder every year for me. Not that I don't enjoy my cousins and all, but without my Grandparents, it seems so different.
With the economy being so crappy, we've had quite a few structural changes at my job. While my job hasn't been one of those changes, my boss has. She is great! She's the kind of person who you like to work harder for. This lady is phenomenal. I'm not sure how long she has had cancer, but it has been a long rough road for her. Throughout her trials, she keeps an extremely positive attitude. Sure, she has her days where she would rather embrace the mad, but I've seen her physically stop in her tracks, take a deep breath, and put a smile on her face before continuing on her way.
It's good to have that kind of example around everyday.
Especially when things at home are so sad. Shane's kids have moved to Brigham City. Their mother decided to move there, buy a house and look for a job. So that will definitely make a difficult situation more difficult. It hurts my heart that she would do this. Not only are the kids getting older, but now they will be farther away. We all know how much teenagers want to spend time with their parents. Shane will be lucky to have any relationship with them at all. I just can't understand how someone who claims to know God, can be so heartless to his children.
At any rate, that is how things will be. Nothing we can do about it but hope for a day when justice will be served.
Anyway, I am off to work!
Not too many thing have changed these days. My niece was baptized on Saturday, as was Shane's daughter. At my nieces baptism, her little sister ran up to me when I got to the church. I asked her if she was happy for Haven, and her response was, "I'm gonna cry I am so happy for Haven's baptism." She is 4.
We had a family reunion with all of my Dad's family. This annual reunion gets harder every year for me. Not that I don't enjoy my cousins and all, but without my Grandparents, it seems so different.
With the economy being so crappy, we've had quite a few structural changes at my job. While my job hasn't been one of those changes, my boss has. She is great! She's the kind of person who you like to work harder for. This lady is phenomenal. I'm not sure how long she has had cancer, but it has been a long rough road for her. Throughout her trials, she keeps an extremely positive attitude. Sure, she has her days where she would rather embrace the mad, but I've seen her physically stop in her tracks, take a deep breath, and put a smile on her face before continuing on her way.
It's good to have that kind of example around everyday.
Especially when things at home are so sad. Shane's kids have moved to Brigham City. Their mother decided to move there, buy a house and look for a job. So that will definitely make a difficult situation more difficult. It hurts my heart that she would do this. Not only are the kids getting older, but now they will be farther away. We all know how much teenagers want to spend time with their parents. Shane will be lucky to have any relationship with them at all. I just can't understand how someone who claims to know God, can be so heartless to his children.
At any rate, that is how things will be. Nothing we can do about it but hope for a day when justice will be served.
Anyway, I am off to work!
Friday, August 15
A light at the end of the tunnel
Don't lose faith in me yet. I am still here....if anyone even checks this anymore....
Thursday, May 1
pointless
The boxes are being packed. The storage is filling up. There are a million things that I need to be home doing right now. And yet I am at work. Sitting at a pristine desk, typing this on a pristine keyboard trying to look busy.
My bosses are not in today or tomorrow and because so, I almost didn't get tomorrow off to move. Its lucky for me that I was able to insist the time off. I have absolutely nothing to do at this moment, and haven't since I came back from lunch, except clean my desk and dust out my keyboard.
tick tock, tick tock, 50 minutes to go.
My bosses are not in today or tomorrow and because so, I almost didn't get tomorrow off to move. Its lucky for me that I was able to insist the time off. I have absolutely nothing to do at this moment, and haven't since I came back from lunch, except clean my desk and dust out my keyboard.
tick tock, tick tock, 50 minutes to go.
Tuesday, April 8
Moving
Well, we've been in our apartment for 9 months this May. Our original plan was to punch out some debts so that we could buy a house. Since we don't live in a perfect world, it just isnt in the cards for us this year. We figure it would be better to save a bit to buy something nice, instead of settling for what we can afford. (I don't revel in the thought of buying some dump in the shady part of town.)
At any rate, our rent is going up. Pretty substantially. From $730.00 to $775.00. If things were okay it would work, but there are few variables that require us to make some changes.
#1 We need storage. Shane used to have a house and didn't want to get rid of the stuff that you only use when you have a yard, and has been storing those things in his mom's garage. That is not turning out as well as we wished it would, as his family is a bit of the type who likes to remind you that you "owe them".
#2 We have a 2nd bedroom that of late(okay, the past 9 months) has not been used much. We bought a bunk bed with a fouton bottom bed, but its only been used a handful of times. Since the kids can choose whether they want to stay over or not, they have chosen more often than not to opt out of the sleepovers. Which means we have been paying for square footage that we aren't using. Cant store a lawn mower in there, so it pretty much stays the room where I lay out clothes to air dry.
So, we are moving into a 1 bedroom apartment in our same complex. The rent is about $100 less than what our rent increase will end up being. So, with a 1 bedroom apt and renting a garage in our parking lot, we will be about $40 cheaper rent-wise.
Its the only practical thing we can do and keep to our goal of eventually getting a house. But the concern is that now the kids will feel like we don't want them to come over. Any ideas as to how we can keep them from feeling unwelcome?
At any rate, our rent is going up. Pretty substantially. From $730.00 to $775.00. If things were okay it would work, but there are few variables that require us to make some changes.
#1 We need storage. Shane used to have a house and didn't want to get rid of the stuff that you only use when you have a yard, and has been storing those things in his mom's garage. That is not turning out as well as we wished it would, as his family is a bit of the type who likes to remind you that you "owe them".
#2 We have a 2nd bedroom that of late(okay, the past 9 months) has not been used much. We bought a bunk bed with a fouton bottom bed, but its only been used a handful of times. Since the kids can choose whether they want to stay over or not, they have chosen more often than not to opt out of the sleepovers. Which means we have been paying for square footage that we aren't using. Cant store a lawn mower in there, so it pretty much stays the room where I lay out clothes to air dry.
So, we are moving into a 1 bedroom apartment in our same complex. The rent is about $100 less than what our rent increase will end up being. So, with a 1 bedroom apt and renting a garage in our parking lot, we will be about $40 cheaper rent-wise.
Its the only practical thing we can do and keep to our goal of eventually getting a house. But the concern is that now the kids will feel like we don't want them to come over. Any ideas as to how we can keep them from feeling unwelcome?
Monday, March 24
We've come full circle.
About 10 years ago, I experienced my 1st significant relationship. The fellow I dated was a divorcee with 2 kids. They were/are absolutely the best kids around. Very open and loving. He had visitation rights the traditional way at that time. Every other weekend, we would go pick them up and have a blast.
One weekend in-particular stands out to me even now. We had been shopping one day at the mall and had seen one of those photo booth doo-hickees that take a picture and sketches it out, and thought it would be fun to bring the kids back one day to have their picture taken.
I guess, but don't remember, we had given one of the pictures to his ex-wife as a Mother's Day gift from the kids. It was a fun day, and every-time I see one of those machines, or sketches, I am reminded of that day.
Today, I came across one of those pictures on the desk of a new employee. I did a double take, because it was eerily familar.. it turned out to BE that sketch we had taken, and even framed.
How in the hell is the world so small?
Anyone out there ever have something like this happen to them?
One weekend in-particular stands out to me even now. We had been shopping one day at the mall and had seen one of those photo booth doo-hickees that take a picture and sketches it out, and thought it would be fun to bring the kids back one day to have their picture taken.
I guess, but don't remember, we had given one of the pictures to his ex-wife as a Mother's Day gift from the kids. It was a fun day, and every-time I see one of those machines, or sketches, I am reminded of that day.
Today, I came across one of those pictures on the desk of a new employee. I did a double take, because it was eerily familar.. it turned out to BE that sketch we had taken, and even framed.
How in the hell is the world so small?
Anyone out there ever have something like this happen to them?
Thursday, March 13
It seemed like a great idea
I think that the reasons I always thought I KNEW, was because I wanted so desperately to believe in the whole eternal consequenses, be married forever, God has a personal interest in our lives deal.
But I really cannot reconcile what happens to this form of thinking. There are horrible people who walk among us. Horrible vile black souled people who pose as God fearing, atonement believing, Temple going people who have truly evil intentions. What happens to them? Those who mock God? They get to spend their days planning the demise of others who are just trying to work each day to pay the bills, make ends meet, and hope than their kids will want to see them.
He loves his kids. But they don't have to visit. The government has given the choice to the 10 year old and the 7 year old. He pays more in child support than what he gets to take home. She chooses whether she wants to work or not. Lives rent free with her parents and has the ability to decide whether she wants to get a job. But he has to work, or the government can take his drivers license away.
I who love kids. Would be a great parent, am not liked by his kids. When they do visit, they deal with me being there, but there is truly no affection from them. A year and a half and they tolerate me. The difficulty of having our own kids, is so much....again with the money. There's no money. If we had custody, with two incomes, we could buy a house, have another kid give the kids the room they need to grow(not crammed in tiny rooms with no room for a poster on the walls) They would never need to be in daycare. We could teach them the value of hard work. Of the consequences of breaking rules or not doing your chores. They would learn to honor both mother and father (not just mother) and most of all, we would not need child support from her.
He has never beat his kids or his ex. He only raised his voice once in a 10 year marriage (the reason she divorced him!). I have never heard him say anything negative about their mother within hearing distance of his kids. He doesnt discuss his problems with them at all in fact. They are told daily, I am sure, that he was abusive (they have made comments) and that he is a bad person. They think he is cheap and selfish because he doesn't buy their affection every week.
The kicker is that he only gets to see them (if they so choose) between the hours of Friday 3pm to Saturday 3pm. Thats it. Justice would be for her to receive the same treatment...even for just a couple months. Would she fall apart? Would her little heart break? Of course it would. Why does she think that his hasnt?
She chooses not to work, so that his child support increases. They prorate increases back to days months past, but wont deduct her share of fees he pays out until next month.
He calls for information, and the lovely ORS treats him like he is a no-account asshole just trying to get out of paying his support. I called and the lady actually laughed when I said that I was thinking of getting divorced but wanted to know more specifics about how much money I could get out of my husband....
This is not justice. This is God's hand in all things? This is God teaching a man who had limited interaction with a church...that he is not important. He married a returned missionary woman who taught him for 10 years that the mother is the most important person in the home. That men where and are only there to provide money. He learned how to be a father from this woman.... This is God teaching a man that he is less than the dust of the earth. You are only needed for what you are worth monetarily. If you don't have enough money....you are not worth anything.
She lied to get more money out of him. Manipulated the system so that he looked more and more like the villan..then went to the temple and promised that she was honest in her dealings.
There are so many good things about this man that I love. So many possiblities in him. I deserve to build a life with him. To grow a family and build a happiness. But he has absolutely no confidence that he will it is in the cards for him to suceed. Well, he has had no experience with being allowed to grow and succeed in his life.
Honestly, I have never in my life seen such injustice. Why are women revered in the court systems? It seems that women are automatically labeled as the victim in a divorce whereas men are the automatic jackass that caused the divorce. Why aren't men and women treated equally? If a man is required to work, why isn't the woman?
I look back on my own life. It has been a relatively good one. I have felt warmth and a rightness in my life. But nothing comes for free. And I cant think of anything aside from Shane, that is worth all the pain and shit I have waded through.
I can't see how this whole daughter of god thing works. why would he allow this? This is too much. I could have said it 30 miles ago. If there is a plan...there is no happiness. Just guilt and punishment for not living up to the bar. Just judgment by the people who sit in the pew behind you, wondering why you didn't take the sacrament this week, or why you are wearing the same ugly dress you had on last week...
But I really cannot reconcile what happens to this form of thinking. There are horrible people who walk among us. Horrible vile black souled people who pose as God fearing, atonement believing, Temple going people who have truly evil intentions. What happens to them? Those who mock God? They get to spend their days planning the demise of others who are just trying to work each day to pay the bills, make ends meet, and hope than their kids will want to see them.
He loves his kids. But they don't have to visit. The government has given the choice to the 10 year old and the 7 year old. He pays more in child support than what he gets to take home. She chooses whether she wants to work or not. Lives rent free with her parents and has the ability to decide whether she wants to get a job. But he has to work, or the government can take his drivers license away.
I who love kids. Would be a great parent, am not liked by his kids. When they do visit, they deal with me being there, but there is truly no affection from them. A year and a half and they tolerate me. The difficulty of having our own kids, is so much....again with the money. There's no money. If we had custody, with two incomes, we could buy a house, have another kid give the kids the room they need to grow(not crammed in tiny rooms with no room for a poster on the walls) They would never need to be in daycare. We could teach them the value of hard work. Of the consequences of breaking rules or not doing your chores. They would learn to honor both mother and father (not just mother) and most of all, we would not need child support from her.
He has never beat his kids or his ex. He only raised his voice once in a 10 year marriage (the reason she divorced him!). I have never heard him say anything negative about their mother within hearing distance of his kids. He doesnt discuss his problems with them at all in fact. They are told daily, I am sure, that he was abusive (they have made comments) and that he is a bad person. They think he is cheap and selfish because he doesn't buy their affection every week.
The kicker is that he only gets to see them (if they so choose) between the hours of Friday 3pm to Saturday 3pm. Thats it. Justice would be for her to receive the same treatment...even for just a couple months. Would she fall apart? Would her little heart break? Of course it would. Why does she think that his hasnt?
She chooses not to work, so that his child support increases. They prorate increases back to days months past, but wont deduct her share of fees he pays out until next month.
He calls for information, and the lovely ORS treats him like he is a no-account asshole just trying to get out of paying his support. I called and the lady actually laughed when I said that I was thinking of getting divorced but wanted to know more specifics about how much money I could get out of my husband....
This is not justice. This is God's hand in all things? This is God teaching a man who had limited interaction with a church...that he is not important. He married a returned missionary woman who taught him for 10 years that the mother is the most important person in the home. That men where and are only there to provide money. He learned how to be a father from this woman.... This is God teaching a man that he is less than the dust of the earth. You are only needed for what you are worth monetarily. If you don't have enough money....you are not worth anything.
She lied to get more money out of him. Manipulated the system so that he looked more and more like the villan..then went to the temple and promised that she was honest in her dealings.
There are so many good things about this man that I love. So many possiblities in him. I deserve to build a life with him. To grow a family and build a happiness. But he has absolutely no confidence that he will it is in the cards for him to suceed. Well, he has had no experience with being allowed to grow and succeed in his life.
Honestly, I have never in my life seen such injustice. Why are women revered in the court systems? It seems that women are automatically labeled as the victim in a divorce whereas men are the automatic jackass that caused the divorce. Why aren't men and women treated equally? If a man is required to work, why isn't the woman?
I look back on my own life. It has been a relatively good one. I have felt warmth and a rightness in my life. But nothing comes for free. And I cant think of anything aside from Shane, that is worth all the pain and shit I have waded through.
I can't see how this whole daughter of god thing works. why would he allow this? This is too much. I could have said it 30 miles ago. If there is a plan...there is no happiness. Just guilt and punishment for not living up to the bar. Just judgment by the people who sit in the pew behind you, wondering why you didn't take the sacrament this week, or why you are wearing the same ugly dress you had on last week...
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