Oh well

Its just too late too keep up with the musical subject theme...

Tonight I signed up for a dinner group get together. There were 8 of us that met for dinner, and Blythe was the only person I new beforehand. (Blythe is a friend of mine who moved back to Utah from Nebraska a month before I did).

It was pretty fun. After dinner we headed over to one of the parties houses where another dinner group, all organized by the Institute at the University of Utah, met up with us. We hung out and played word games. The point of the integration was to network. LOL.. That sounds so "prowlish"! But seriously, I don't know very many people here around my own age that aren't married with children, and figured this would be as good an idea as any. It turned out to be a good idea. We had a great time and perhaps there will be some lasting friendships made.

Here is where Beck gets brutally honest:

Afterward, Blythe and I were talking and she mentioned getting a couple of the guys we met and setting up a date. I just can't seem to feel very excited about this. Its not that there weren't any date-worthy guys in attendance, but its just the fact that I have not been asked on a date in about 7 years.

For awhile after the last guy I dated, I worked pretty hard at socializing. My friends and I were very enthusiastic about setting up group activities that would leave little or no pressure on guys to commit. We planned so many group dates, that it ended up backfiring. None of the guys ever reciprocated! They figured we would do all the work. So, I stopped planning. I stopped asking. And moved to Nebraska.

I intentionally never set up any pairing off activities while in Nebraska. We just planned a ton of parties. It worked well enough that we felt pretty good about knowing everybody in our ward. But no dates came of that.

Now I am looking back at the last 7 years and am wondering how this happened! This lack in my dating life has really messed me up on the whole thing. I don't think I COULD ask a guy out on a date. Its not rejection that I fear... Have you ever just been talking to someone of the opposite gender and something in their expression changes and they get all awkward on you. You just know they think you like them and they want to run. That's what I hate. And over the past few years I see it more and more. Its come to the point that I have begun to fear even talking to guys. I figured that someone along the way would make that move for me. Of course, this has been my theory for the last 7 years, so obviously it hasn't been a successful one.

I consider myself an optimist. I feel that I have always, and will always, be the girl who stays to the last "just in case" or shows up to the party "just in case". But lately its just wearing me out. Over the years I have lost a confidence that I think is crucial, and lately have lost the ability to fake it.